SATIRA: On this day of the government oath, we humbly suggest a range of additional staff who may prove useful in the days to come
The announcement of a new federal cabinet means a new set of job titles, with ministers spanning the full spectrum of policies and priorities on the government’s plate.
Looking back on Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s first two terms, we humbly suggest a number of additional staff that may prove useful in the days to come.
Here are our hypothetical additions.
Minister of Damage Control and Monitoring of the Prime Minister’s Travel Itinerary for Optical Matters: This portfolio is busy with files such as double checking the inbox of PM invitations; by actually reading the Conflict of Interest Act; and understand who owns the holiday home or island in question.
Middle class minister and those who work hard to be part of it: An updated version of the role of “Middle Class Prosperity Minister” that would focus even less on defining the middle class and even more on congratulating hard-working Canadians.
Minister of Prevention of Democratic Reforms and Associate Minister of Voting EfficiencyResponsibilities include issuing warnings about splinter parties and setting minimum margins for victory in key races.
Meme Minister, distracting hair that spills hot tea: A new role designed to engage young people and neutralize the popularity of some opposition leaders on certain social media platforms.
Minister of solemn acceptance of responsibility on behalf of those who are actually responsible and chief curator of apologies that sound sincere: He was relied on for committee testimony, historical apologies, personal apologies, and no-excuses designed to question who remembered what events like.
Minister of Jurisdictional Loopholes, Quebec Expectation Management and Equalization Relations: A transversal consultative role focused on pleasing both Quebecers and the rest of Canada (but especially Quebecers) with the vaguest possible language on constitutional issues.
Minister of Exceeding Expectations, Outperforming Benchmarks, Shifting Goals, and Making Sure No One Remembers the Deceased Mandate Letter Plotter: An opportunity to go beyond “Deliverology” to multiple other “ologies” intended to streamline government productivity and improve its use of jargon.
Minister to remind the rest of the cabinet of the existence of Alberta and other provinces west of Ontario: Minister would be equipped with maps and pronunciation guides for hard-to-remember places like “Saskatchewan” and “Manitoba”.
Minister of Whataboutism and Wedge Problem Management: A public position focused on vaccination status and commemoration of the Harper government.
Cheerleading Minister, rally your troops and keep hope alive after successive disappointing elections: It’s a hell of a job.